It is a common and normal part of family life to experience sibling rivalry. This may come as some relief to parents who often assume or fear that their children are the only ones who seem to fight, argue, and at times not like each other very much!!!

Sibling rivalry in itself varies a little depending on the ages and age gaps between siblings. There is some research which suggests for examples that sibling rivalry is most intense between siblings of the same gender and close in age. However, sibling rivalry can and does occur at various times throughout a child’s early years and sometimes continues on and off throughout life.

Sibling rivalry believe it or not can at times provide some opportunities for children in a safe family home to experience and practice a range of feelings and skills that are part of life in the outside world.

For example, during sibling rivalry, children experience dealing with the emotional feelings of conflict, practicing conflict resolution, problem solving, negotiating, risk taking, resilience, self expression and learning that sometimes we don’t always have what we want when we want it, or get exactly what we always want. They can experience being able to compromise, waiting, turn taking and sometimes sharing time or space or resources is part of life.

Of course, we don’t want children to physically hurt each other or for one child in the home to be constantly picked on or feel that they are the ones who are always blamed or always the victim.

Therefore, listed below are some general suggestions on how to work constructively with your children during their conflicts and arguments.

1. Try to ascertain if the rivalry seems appropriate given the circumstances. For example, when we bring a new baby home, the other older children may at first seem quite interested and accepting of the new addition to the family. But as the baby starts to place demands upon the parent or take up more of the parents time, the older children will naturally perhaps feel a little displaced or neglected. Life in the family home becomes different. In this situation, ensure the other children are still given time with each parent separately from the baby if possible at least one a day. Avoid saying, “you are so lucky to have a new baby. They actually may not fee so lucky!!
2. Use reflective listening and acknowledgement at times if your child seems jealous or angry. For example, instead of saying, “ play nicely and love your brother”, you might say, “ I know its hard sometimes to play with your brother when you don’t want to or don’t want to share”.
3. Avoid being the umpire or referee. Don’t try to solve all of their problems. Avoid saying, “who had it first?” You most usually have no idea and wont be told accurately. A statement that sometimes helps is, “ I can see you are both angry with each other. If you two cant sort it out we will have to put it away, turn it off, or take some action that means neither of them can actually have what they want. This often helps children try harder to sort out problems between themselves.
4. Try to give each child some space and play away from each other at times.
5. Try not to get too discouraged or worried about sibling rivalry. It is actually a safe environment for children to learn to resolve and tolerate a range of situations.
6. Children report as they grow older that in many cases, the parents worried about sibling rivalry but that the children themselves were not as worried about it as their parents seemed to think. Life is not always neat, tidy and ordered. Mistakes, conflicts, jealousies and rivalry does at times occur. If you feel or observe your children in prolonged rivalry and conflict always check it out with a counsellor or seek further support.

Further reading: ‘What’s the Hurry? : Reclaiming Childhood in an Overscheduled world” by Kathy Walker.